These Kids Don’t Come With Instructions

*No one said parenting was easy*

**Photo Credit to friends on Pinterest…Still learning here, but want to give credit where it goes!**

Have kids they said! It will be fun they said!! Whoever “they” is should be flogged. I love my kids. I would give my last breath for my kids. I’m Momma Bear when it comes to my kids. But for real!!! My kids can just test me like nothing else! And it started at birth, y’all! With that first cry when they came into this world, they were really saying, “hey ma! It’s about to get crazy up in here!” I’m not the best mom in the world. You won’t find a World’s Best Mom trophy in my house, but my kids have made it this far without losing any appendages or without being seriously damaged…physically, at least lol.

I have raised my kids with what I shall call “reality parenting.” What is that, you ask. Just what it sounds like. Parenting in reality. My kids were raised not with lullabies, but with the best songs ever, like Warrant’s Cherry Pie, AC/DC’s Thunderstruck, and the one they heard most…DMX’s Party Up. They most definitely knew they were gonna make me lose my mind up in here and make me act a fool if they didn’t straighten their acts up at times. They don’t have virgin ears and they know that I’d take a bullet for them. They have always known about stranger danger, but they have always been allowed to be kids and play in the yard or in the park. We don’t go to the doctor or hospital for every bump or bruise, we just rub dirt on it. Foods they don’t like “put hair on their chest,” and they hear “suck it up buttercup,” if they don’t want to do something that they have to. THAT is reality parenting, and I’m sure most people parent just like that, even if they won’t admit it. No Pinterest mom here, peeps.

When people ask me about being a parent, I look at their kids and then I give them the real, non-Willy Wonka answer about whatever phase of life their little is in. Why be fake and let them think they are doing something wrong, when they are perfectly normal?? I couldn’t live with myself if I thought that someone went to bed thinking that they were being a horrible parent because their kid wasn’t perfect, or heaven forbid, they weren’t perfect. None of us are. And if they look it, they are lying to you. It’s okay that your kid didn’t have organic, gluten free, soy based, all natural chocolate and had to eat *gasp* REAL sugar and preservative laced chocolate!!! My kid had cinnamon toast that was 99% sugar and had like 4 tablespoons of butter on the toast, so no judgement here.

So here is the quick low-down on my thoughts about kids and the many phases they go through.

The baby phase is the best part of having kids. They don’t talk back. They stay where you put them. They eat what you give them. They love you no matter what! Yeah, they poop their pants, drool everywhere and make messes when they eat. They sleep crazy patterns and are super needy. And yes, they cry. But they are so stinking cute!!!! They love to give loves and they love without condition. Yep, they are expensive. You go through diapers and wipes by the truck load and if you are using formula, you might just consider buying a cow. Daycare is about as expensive as an Ivy League school, but if you love that baby as much as he loves you, everything about Baby Thor is worth it. That’s such a cool name, right? Who doesn’t want to name their kid after hottie Chris Hemsworth??

You finally get to the Toddler phase. I’m sorry. Yep, I said it. I’m super sorry. This is where they start talking. And screaming. And throwing. And biting. I’m not going to just say “Good luck,” and leave it there, but man….this is where you start to rethink this whole having-a-kid thing. One day, your sweet baby becomes a terrible toddler. Just being real here, folks! Grandma is going to tell you what a sweet boy you have, and Aunt Susie is going to say that Little Penny is the sweetest little girl she has seen in a long time. Your kid is good for everyone but you. It’s a fact, Jack. It’s not just you. Your kid doesn’t hate you…it’s what they do. They are monsters at this age. Lol This actually goes on into their teenage years, so buckle up. Here is what I am going to tell you. Don’t be a passive parent. I’m not saying be an asshole parent, but I’m also not saying be a pushover. You are not that kid’s friend. You are their parent. Be the parent. If you want to know more on my thoughts about surviving the toddler years, let me know! *Parenting tip: always give your kids a choice, but only between two things. Never more. For the love of all things holy, never more than two. You will stand there for days if you do.* Oh, Grandma is still going to think they hung the moon, even though you know they shoved a roll of toilet paper down the toilet, flushed repeatedly and blamed it on the cat.

Next is what I call the Little Kid phase. This is that time where they aren’t toddlers anymore, but they aren’t adolescents. Let’s say these little ‘uns are in the 4 to 7 or 8 year old range. This is where they start to develop their personalities. It is probably the most fun time to be a parent! You get to be a kid again!!!! You get to play with slime and watch all the cartoons. It’s okay to eat Fruit Loops and cheese puffs because hey, your kid is eating them too! You have the first First Day of School, and this is where I say I hope your first day with your first born goes better than mine!! You will have t-ball and soccer and basketball and cheerleading and dance. You will have plays and school programs, art sent home by the droves that you are NOT allowed to throw away. This is where you start to form these little humans into real people. It can be scary. Like the toddler phase, you have to be the parent. Put on your war paint….it gets tough at times! If you need to call in reinforcements, let me know. I have them on standby.

Now, on to the adolescent period. This time period will test your faith in God and in yourself. It is an emotional roller coaster. You will wonder who is going you survive…you or them. The answer is you both will. There will be laughs. There will be tears. There will be booboos and bandaids and yelling and hugging and punishments and kisses. This is where you teach them how to do things like laundry and dishes, how to sweep the floor and take out the trash. While they learn to read, they also learn to ride a bike. As they learn to add and subtract, they also need to learn how to make their bed and keep their room clean. They also start to develop attitudes and they learn to push all your buttons at once, just like Buddy the Elf does on the elevator. This is when you find out how strong your willpower is…no joke! You love them, yes, without a doubt. But you will definitely ask “why” a bajillion times.

We have arrived at the teenage years. Hormones. Mood swings. Proms. Boyfriends and girlfriends. Driving and jobs. Cellphones and clothes. If you have made it this far, and I promise you will, you will look at your teenager and wonder what happened to that chubby cheeked baby you held in your arms last week. Only, it was 13 years ago. This is where YOUR hormones take over and YOU become emotional…for a little bit. Because their mood swings take over and then you again wonder why you even had kids. You suddenly remember that episode of National Geographic where they talk about mothers in the wild eating their young, and you finally understand. These teens melt down almost as much as toddlers. Nothing goes right. “Bobby doesn’t like me anymore and is going with Jennifer now! That is so stupid!” “I don’t like my hair! It looks awful! I can’t go to school like this!” Yes, you will hear things like that allllllllllll the time. But you blink, just for a second, and when you open your eyes, your baby is standing there in a cap and gown, ready to graduate. You can’t believe 18 years have gone by and this little human you created is now legally an adult and about to go off to college. Tears fill your eyes as they call out your child’s name, and the rest is history, because then they ask for gas money and you realize, it doesn’t stop here. *Parenting Tip: Don’t let those teens talk to you like they are adults. Don’t let them sass and back talk. If you want great advice on dealing with teens, watch Madea’s Witness Protection. You will learn all the good advice from her!

No, I’m not Dr. Spock and I don’t have the answers for raising your kids, and neither does he. No one does, and if they tell you they do, again, they are lying to you. People can give you suggestions, tips and advice, but ultimately, however you choose to raise your children is up to you. It’s all about choice. Just remember, you are molding these tiny people into the big people that will one day run this world. It is your responsibility as their parent to choose wisely and to be consistent. Who knows, maybe I will write yet another blog that will have all the answers for being just an okay parent. Because that is all we have to be, really. If we survive and our kids are decent, upstanding individuals, then we have done our job. Pat yourselves on the backs!

Love you most,

Lacy