There’s Gotta Be Something More

I get up to the sound off my stupid alarm at 6:30, just to stumble my way to the shower, where I quickly wash my hair, face and body – and then get out.  Are you hearing Dolly here?  Because I sure am. I dry off, mousse my hair, brush my teeth and lotion my face.  I make my coffee, get ready for the day and head to work.  I work 8 hours that can be either glorious or grueling…it’s generally a toss up.  Maybe that is The Bangles telling me about their Manic Monday. I get in the car to fight traffic that tests the limits of my red headed road rage, just to go home to cook, clean and work some more.  Then it’s bed time and the cycle starts all over again.  Nope, that is Jennifer Nettles warbling in my ear, telling me There’s Gotta Be More Than This.  Yes, Jennifer, yes there does.

Who am I?  The nuts and the bolts of it is that I’m just Lacy.  Aka, Ginger.  Red.  MooMoo.  Lou Lou. I’m a mom.  A single mom to three kids who sometimes struggles to quite literally bring home the bacon and keep the house from falling apart.  By day, I am an HR/Payroll/Accounting Admin who seems to have it all together, and by night I’m many things.  I’m apparently now a writer, but I’m also a sometimes-bartender, a “homemaker” (more like “keep-the-home-going-er”), a tax lady, a “therapist”, a self-proclaimed karaoke queen, and one very special day I was given the title Guardian Angel, just for being me and doing what I do.  While that all might sound amazing to some, it’s just my life, and to me it isn’t all that grand.  I think we all see things from “the grass is greener” perspective at times, and believe me, you don’t want this grass.  It’s usually on the cusp of dying.  Plants never survive in my care!  That’s why I keep hearing Sugarland tell me there’s gotta be more.  Is there, Jennifer….is there really?

Too often, we get stuck in a rut and don’t even realize it.  Routine becomes our proverbial woobies, our security blankets.  We go through life day in and day out doing the same thing over and over again, walking around pretty much like zombies in The Walking Dead.  I’m at a point in my life where I am tired of the rut and routine and I am ready to start walking.  Where, I don’t know, but I am willing to see where my feet take me, because Jennifer is right.  There’s gotta be more than this.

“I am learning to love the sound of my feet walking away from things not meant for me.”  These words resonate within my soul to the point that I can almost see the picture that it paints.  I have spent the majority of my life being a “yes” person, simply because I had to be.  I literally had no choice but to do as was expected, as I was told, and I was expected to conform.  7 years ago, I changed.  My world changed.  I met my liberator.  He was quite literally my middle finger to any and all who tried to hold me down, who tried to keep me in a box, or who tried to make me feel as if I was not in charge of my life.  In my eyes, which are the only ones that count, I changed for the better.  “Love you most” became our sign-off for everything.  For the first time in my life, I was truly, completely loved, just as I was. 

Just as quickly and as chaotically as he came into my life, he also left me, and this world, three years ago at his own hand.  Nothing has been the same.  Nothing has been right.  I’ve been living in what feels like the Upside Down in Stranger Things.  The struggle has been more than real, more than hard, more than what any one person should have to deal with, not just emotionally and mentally, but with all the ensuing drama as well.  It’s been in the last three years that I have learned more about life than I ever have in all the other years of my life combined.  It’s when I have actually seen one set of footprints in the sand, and have known they aren’t mine, even when I believed I was all alone.  Again, what comes to mind is the image of walking away from things not meant for me, even if it was God carrying me away because I didn’t have the strength to walk on my own.  He knows there’s more than this.  He knows the “more” to come.

This season of my life is very focused on helping people, especially through grief and even suicidal situations.  The latter isn’t my favorite, but because of my experience with the subject, I seem to be able to connect with others and can actually help.    I’m a survivor of suicide loss and have that understanding that others just don’t.  So here is where I feel my “more” is taking me:  I will help.  I will help people through their grief.  I will share my thoughts on real life parenting and life as a working single mom, and even on the ups and downs of being a caregiver for someone you love.  I will share great recipes and tell you recipes to stay away from and why!  I will share good books and movies and will probably cry on your shoulder.  Guess what?  I failed at my marriage and I will tell you what I did wrong so you won’t do the same!  If you want to know my thoughts on something, let me know.  If I can, I will.  If I can’t, I won’t.  I guess I will have to really see if Jennifer Nettles is right when she says “There’s gotta be more than this.”  I guess we will see how this turns out together, if you are willing to walk with me.

Love you most,
Lacy