Shrek had Donkey….we have our Female Elephants….
I’m all about keeping my circle small. I’ve been dealt a shitty hand my whole life and I have no desire to purposely bring more crap my way by expanding my inner circle. However, I’ve learned something in the 8 months since Billy had a stroke….sometimes you have a herd of female elephants that you never imagined you had, in a place you never imagined they’d be.
I struggle with the yin and yang of my life. I work in a church, yet I am a biker who loves to bartend. I jokingly tell people I’m a sinner and a saint, and I even have a shirt declaring it! Crazily enough, it’s true. I’m not perfect, but I try to be a good person. I try to be the best human I possibly can. In my hardest times, I find that it doesn’t matter how much “good” I do, I always get the shitty end of the deal, but I still try. I can barely pay my bills…actually, since this is RealLlifeWithLacy, I’ll be real. I’m not able to pay all my bill AND feed my kids AND put gas in my car…I have to juggle like a freaking circus performer. I’ve literally got like 4 side hustles started in hopes of making ends meet and still being able to do the extra things, but that is another blog post for another day, and I once again digress.
I’m not here to tout my sob story. In fact, I’m not here to talk about me at all. I’m here to talk about Female Elephants. Did you know that the female elephants are the most protective in the herd? They rally around other females, quite literally. They circle around them and raise up dust by stomping the ground to keep predators away. They make noise…loud, loud noise to show dominance to other animals in the wild in order to protect their fellow female. It can be that this “broken” female has just given birth, is injured, is old and coming to the end of her life. No matter the situation, these other females protect her at all costs. They care for her by bringing her food and water, by tending to her needs. They circle around her, just like in Dumbo, and keep guard over their sister.
I think we miss how often we have our own female elephants in our lives. As I was going between the hospital, home, and work, I was taking care of everyone but myself. A wonderful friend and coworker asked me every time I saw her if I had eaten and slept, without fail. She asked me what I needed. Not what he needed. Not what my kids needed. What I needed. I had another coworker who is actually male and barely knew me, but who I’m making an honorary female elephant, check on me in the morning and again in the evening before I left to go home or before going to the hospital for the night. But it wasn’t until one day, when someone in the office declared it “Order From Shady Lane Cafe For Lunch” Day that it hit me. The first coworker I talked about looked at me and said “order what you want, I’m buying because I have to make sure you eat.” There was almost relief on her face knowing I was actually going to eat something. The gratitude I felt for not only the lunch, but for the care and compassion she had for me not just during working hours, but during alllll the hours, was immeasurable. The relief I was bringing to HER by simply letting her buy MY lunch showed me how much she truly cared, as messed up as that is!
I injured myself over Mother’s Day weekend, and I missed work the following Monday, which is the day we have our staff gathering where we offer up prayer requests. My boss, Kathy, asked for prayers for me, and when I went into work on Tuesday, I rode up the elevator with my loving friend, the infamous Liz Curtis Higgs. When I told her what had happened, she grabbed my coffee out of my hands because it was heavy for arms that were very, very sore. She walked me to my office, prayed over me, and showed such motherly love and concern that it warmed my cold heart. Lol. And at the end of the work day, I ran into her in the kitchen, and she immediately asked how I was feeling. Truthfully, I was hurting, and so I was honest with her. I could see the concern in her eyes and just knowing she cared was enough to get me home and propped up in my bed for a bit. The Grand Leader of my female elephants was on duty, and that brought me some comfort. (Shhh…truth be told, she reminds me so much of my Grandma Judy that it is almost scary at times!!)
Last year when my cousin Emily died, I watched from afar as my Aunt Donna was quite literally surrounded by her own circle of female elephants. I watched as they circled around, protecting her from all the bullshit heading her way at the funeral home. Yes, I was out front where she told me to be, demanding that I not leave her (not in a million!!!), but seeing that band of women damn near literally linking arms in a chain at her side – and I swear to Pete I could hear the “oh-ee-oh, ohhhh ohhh” from the Wizard of Oz in the distance – I knew that she was going to be okay. At least for then. Donna still has her circle of merry elephants, some of them sparkle and wear purple feathers while some are grumpy and straightforward, but I can say that I’m fortunate enough to be included among them. I‘ve been able to walk her through some of her moments of the deepest grief a person can ever experience, only because I’ve been there. She’s been madder than a hornet at me and told me she wasn’t talking to me “for a while,” and that was okay. No one said that the female elephants in a circle always liked each other, but her “for a while” was usually less than 24 hours. Lol. She’s called me to tell me fun things and laugh with me, and we have just visited. We need each other, and we know it.
As we go through life, one thing’s certain….our circle of elephants will continuously change. Just never forget to take a look around and notice who it is that’s stomping the ground around you in those moments when life seems to be out of your control. Honor your circle. Share with them that THEY are your circle, and that you appreciate their love and protection. When you’re facing grief, look at who’s around you, protecting you, feeding you, making sure you are taking care of yourself, your kids, your home. When you are celebrating life, look at who is there to sing songs and fill the air with love and joy. Sometimes those circle are the same, and sometimes they are different, but I guarantee you there’s always some kind of circle. Just don’t forget to be a female elephant for others.
It’s what we do.
Love you most,
Lacy
